TV and Movie summaries

Brazenly lifted from Postmodernbarney

• 300: Gays kill blacks.
• 8 MILE: White man successfully coopts black culture to impress other whites.
• A CIVIL ACTION: Underqualified lawyer doesn’t listen to clients, royally botches case.
• A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES: Social deviants make life difficult for genius.
• A CRY IN THE DARK: Dogs eat baby, confusion follows.
• ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.
• ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• AMADEUS: Man with health problems receives help from rival.
• AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: Tourist causes riot.
• ATLAS SHRUGGED: Selfish industrialist destroys economy.
• AUNTIE MAME: Spinster exposes child to sexual fetishists, socialists; thwarts marriage to good Republican girl.
• BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
• BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome.
• BENJI: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
• BEOWULF: Colonists hire assassin to drive natives from land.
• BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA: Redneck trucker kills Chinese immigrants.
• BILLY ELLIOT: Union worker turns back on strikers for personal gain.
• BLADE: Obsessed loner stalks minority group.
• BLADE RUNNER: Man with no apparent skill stumbles into escaped robots, fails to kill most, fucks one.
• BLAKE’S 7: Terrorists fight government, die.
• BOOGIE NIGHTS: Deformed boy goaded into life of crime.
• BOTTLE ROCKET: Mentally unstable man fosters friend’s descent into mental instability, finds love.
• BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S: Pretty redneck girl fools socialites, flirts with gay gigolo.
• BREWSTER’S MILLIONS: Black man abuses line of credit.
• BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.
• CHANGE OF HABIT: Rock star regrets not looking closer at contract with movie studio.
• CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Deranged pedophile big-business industrialist tortures and mutilates young children.
• CHASING AMY: Homosexuality proved to be passing fancy and sign of sexual deviance.
• CHEERS: Alcoholic cuts lime in bar as penance for his womanizing ways.
• CHINATOWN: Father desires closer relationship with his children.
• CHRISTMAS VACATION: Incestuous relatives teach family the meaning of Christmas.
• CLERKS: Aimless loser remains in dead-end job, abusive “friendship.”
• CLOAK AND DAGGER: Spoiled teens discover drugs make them special.
• CONAN THE BARBARIAN: Petty thief murders religious leader.
• CORALINE: Misfit discovers she is special person in a secret world just beside our own.
• CRANK: Drug addict spends last day in orgy of rape and violence.
• CUJO: Family neglects to give family pet rabies shots, pays price.
• DAREDEVIL: Blind man pisses off crime boss, gets all his girl-friends killed.
• DARK KNIGHT RETURNS: Aging sadist corrupts, endangers minor, facilitates murder, destroys superhero comic books for 30 years.
• DEADWOOD: Pimp and rapist charms frontier town into eventual fire-based disaster.
• DEBBIE DOES DALLAS: Cheerleaders develop valuable entrepreneurial skills.
• DEEP THROAT: Medical anomaly earns woman new friends.
• DELIVERANCE: Tourists experience local hospitality.
• DEMOLITION MAN: In a future where crime is completely eradicated, a black man steals and murders.
• DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.
• DIRTY HARRY: Police incompetence allows murderer to go free.
• DOCTOR FAUSTUS: Scholar leans nuances of contract law.
• DOCTOR WHO: Elderly man serially abducts young women.
• DONNIE DARKO: Hallucinating teen crushed by airplane engine.
• DRACULA: Immigrant clashes with locals.
• E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
• EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE: Part-time mechanic involves girlfriend in illegal fight club, risks life of best friend and endangered primate.
• FALLING DOWN: Life is difficult for white men.
• FANTASTIC FOUR: Scientist exposes friends, family to dangerous radiation to assuage ego, becomes embroiled in rivalry with former room-mate.
• FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.
• FIELD OF DREAMS: Schizophrenic builds ball park, almost kills girl.
• FIGHT CLUB: Deranged sociopath guides yuppies to their deaths.
• FIREFLY: In an analogue of the post-Civil War west, a white man on the losing side bosses around a black woman.
• FRANKENSTEIN: Scientific advancement proves unpopular with general public.
• FREAKS: Acrobat learns value of community.
• SERENITY: Men fight for possession of scantily clad mentally ill teenage girl.
• GHOSTBUSTERS: Unemployed college professors destroy hotel with nuclear weapons.
• GLADIATOR: Convict murders head of state.
• GLENGARRY, GLENN ROSS: Sales job proves difficult for some.
• GONE WITH THE WIND: Rich, white slave owner enjoys getting raped, miscarries.
• GOOD WILL HUNTING: Underemployed genius squanders prestigious job opportunity to chase trim.
• GREEN ARROW: Rich white man with Robin Hood fetish goes vigilante.
• GREEN LANTERN: Policeman beats up his girlfriend.
• GREMLINS: Distant father ruins son’s life, puts entire town at risk.
• GROUNDHOG DAY: Misanthropic creep exploits space/time anomaly to stalk coworker.
• HACKERS: Cybercriminals on revenge kick destroy innumerable jobs.
• HAIR: Hippie dodges draft, dies ironically.
• HALLOWEEN: Babysitter’s relationship with murderer places children in danger.
• HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
• HE GOT GAME: Escaped convict attempts to embezzle only son.
• HIGHLANDER: Elderly immigrant destroys property.
• IRON MAN: Alcoholic rich white man with technology fetish goes vigilante.
• WAR MACHINE: Alcoholic rich white man gives weapons to black man.
• IT: Children use horrific murders as excuse to run train on young girl.
• JFK: Family man wastes life for nothing in crusade against homosexuals.
• JUDGE DREDD: Fascist thug in bleak dystopia is cheered.
• JUNO: Teen fails to get abortion, ruins lives.
• JURASSIC PARK: Theme park’s grand opening pushed back.
• KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.
• KILL BILL: Irresponsible mother wants custody of her child.
• KINDERGARTEN COP: Incompetent left in charge of children, who are eventually fired at by convicted felon.
• KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.
• KING OF KONG: Dick battles loser over trivia.
• LA CONFIDENTIAL: Rapist joins thug in foiling police corruption scheme.
• LABYRINTH: Girl is negligent baby-sitter.
• LARS AND THE REAL GIRL: Retarded man doesn’t know what sex toy is for.
• LASSIE COME HOME: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
• LOLITA: Man encourages step-daughter to take chances.
• LONE WOLF MCQUADE: Alcoholic assaults local businessman, ruins marriage.
• LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
• LOVE ACTUALLY: Prime Minister risks war with United States over a sexy secretary.
• MARLEY AND ME: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
• METROPOLIS: Efficient society undone by unions.
• MICHAEL CLAYTON: Attorney works against client’s interests.
• MILK: Uppity queer dies.
• MIRRORMASK: Misfit discovers she is special person in secret world just beside our own.
• MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: British comedy troupe inadvertently creates language lab for nerds.
• MULHOLLAND DRIVE: Lesbian relationship is harmful.
• MY GIRL: Boy killed by female friend’s irresponsibility.
• NEVERWHERE: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.
• O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU: Southern musicians encounter massive flooding and government incompetence.
• OBSERVE AND REPORT: Emotionally disturbed man gets woman drunk, rapes her.
• OCEAN’S ELEVEN: Gang of career criminals commit act of terror to facilitate robbery and romance.
• OF MICE AND MEN: Migrant farmer murders mentally handicapped friend.
• ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST: Disruptive mental patients treated.
• PILLOW TALK: Gay man tricks woman into sex.
• POLTERGEIST: Pot-head parents lose child, ruin property values.
• PREDATOR: American military-industrial complex ruins first contact with alien life.
• PRETTY BABY: Young woman’s modeling career encouraged.
• PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Woman with gold-digging mother nags wealthy man into marriage.
• PYGMALION: Urchin cured by social betters.
• RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: American yahoo murders soldiers and desecrates religious artifacts for money.
• RAISING ARIZONA: Convicted felon seduces police officer in kidnapping plot.
• RAMBO III: The United States provides arms, equipment and training to the terrorists behind 9/11.
• RATATOUILLE: Vermin infest restaurant until it is forced to close doors.
• RAVENOUS: Coward is seduced by cannibal, destroys army outpost.
• RED DAWN: Despite shock-and-awe tactics, a superior occupying force is no match for a tenacious sect of terrorist insurgents.
• RISKY BUSINESS: Privileged rich kid gets everything he wants with no consequences.
• ROAD HOUSE: Bouncer becomes vigilante, murders local businessman with karate.
• ROBIN HOOD: Disgruntled veteran protests taxes.
• ROBOCOP: Female officer’s incompetence leads partner to be murdered and enslaved by corporation.
• ROCKY: White man beats black man.
• ROSEMARY’S BABY: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• RUDY: Diminutive athlete patronized.
• RUSHMORE: Teen molests teacher, is expelled. Finds love.
• SCARFACE: Immigrant finds running his own business stressful, dangerous.
• SCHINDLER’S LIST: Wealthy industrialist expands not-for-profit ventures.
• SCOTT PILGRIM: Emotionally immature musician sleeps with high-school girl.
• SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.
• SHORT CIRCUIT: Rogue scientist steals top-secret government weapon.
• SIGNS: Jesus trumps science.
• SILENCE OF THE LAMBS: Incompetent manipulated by several murderers, stumbles upon suspect completely by accident. Creates situation that allows serial killer to escape.
• SLEEPY HOLLOW: Veteran harassed.
• SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT: Redneck bootlegger makes mockery of law, sanctity of marriage.
• SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: Layabout stepdaughter shacks up with seven miners.
• SOPHIE’S CHOICE: Mom loves one of her kids way more than the other one.
• SOUTHLAND TALES: Traumitized vet destroys universe.
• SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.
• STARDUST: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.
• STAR TREK: Over-sexed officer routinely places crew in danger.
• STAR TREK THE MOTION PICTURE: Meglomaniac can’t let go of past glory, drives successor to suicide.
• STAR TREK III: Military officers steal vessel and destroy it to eliminate a handful of enemies while engaged on an extremely vague rescue mission.
• STAR TREK IV: Interplanetary fugitives poach wildlife from a past age to cover up an act of genocide.
• STAR TREK VI: Racist military commander past his prime nearly ruins galactic peace.
• STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
• STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.
• STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded.
• STRAW DOGS: Immigrant clashes with locals.
• SUPERBAD: Boys plan date-rape, sleep together.
• SUPERMAN RETURNS: Illegal immigrant is deadbeat dad.
• SWEENEY TODD: Businesses flourish when freed from stringent regulation.
• TAXI DRIVER: Modern dating proves challenging for working class man.
• TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: Tourists have difficulty with regional cuisine.
• THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE: College professors help illegal alien evade authorities.
• THE CONVERSATION: Paranoid schizophrenic follows worst possible career path.
• THE CRYING GAME: Hairdresser bonds with client.
• THE EDGE: Men bond in Alaskan wilderness.
• THE EXORCIST: Jesus trumps science.
• THE FIRM: White lawyer learns hard work is irrelevant.
• THE GOLDEN COMPASS: Critique of Catholicism upstaged by polar bear fight.
• THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY: Nameless drifter kills American soldier over stolen money, hangs friend.
• THE GOONIES: Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight preteen.
• THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY: Family abandons beloved pets, forcing them to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
• THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.
• THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Dangerous insurgent invades neighboring country.
• THE OFFICE: Incompetent boss routinely endangers employees, passes fire-worthy blame, sexually harasses subordinates; is seen as “hero” compared to people who just actually work.
• THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen.
• THE PROFESSIONAL: Hired murderer sleeps with little girl.
• THE STEPFORD WIVES: Woman has difficulty adjusting to suburban life.
• THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3: Civil servant insults and shoots foreigners.
• THE THING: Unexpected visitor imposes on workers, their dogs.
• THE UNTOUCHABLES: Murderer indicted on technicality.
• THE WICKER MAN: Isolated religious community revitalized by newcomer.
• THE X-MEN: Minority group seeks overthrow of social order.
• THERE WILL BE BLOOD: Kidnapper commits murder several times.
• TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum.
• TOP GUN: Pilot routinely endangers Air Traffic Controllers.
• TORCHWOOD: Bisexual is inefficient manager.
• TRAINSPOTTING: Statutory rapist and junkie sifts through human waste, gets enormous sum of money.
• TRANSPORTER: Repressed homosexual kills employers.
• TWILIGHT: Girl gives up college for stalker.
• BREAKING DAWN: Native American guy is romantically obsessed with ex-girlfriend’s baby.
• TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME: Father becomes more involved in teenage daughter’s life.
• V FOR VENDETTA: Dystopian government overthrown by faceless conformity.
• VERTIGO: Stalker drives woman to suicide.
• W.: Unspeakable disaster afflicts America. Then terrorists attack.
• WALL-E: Obsolete robot disrupts big business, disrupts lives of millions of innocent civilians.
• WAR OF THE WORLDS: Immigrants face difficulty acclimating.
• WATCHMEN: Homosexual destroys New York, blames God.
• WEEKEND AT BERNIES: Two employees take advantage of their boss’ hospitality.
• WONDER WOMAN: Princess from isolationist culture lectures Americans on equality.
• WORLD TRADE CENTER: Rag-tag group of underdogs succeed at a massive undertaking despite overwhelming odds, credit success with faith in God.